Comments on: perfect little angels http://villageblog.wordpress.com/2006/09/07/perfect-little-angels/ Fri, 30 Oct 2009 23:12:21 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 By: villageblog http://villageblog.wordpress.com/2006/09/07/perfect-little-angels/#comment-62 villageblog Tue, 11 Sep 2007 11:15:29 +0000 http://villageblog.wordpress.com/2006/08/07/perfect-little-angels/#comment-62 Applause applause to you for your concientious, intentional parenting! You are correct, what you are going through right now is the appropriate and to-be-expected result of such child-centered and child-honoring parenting. If your children were quieter, more "well behaved" it would show that you had been taking out your own unresolved trauma on them. Man I just love hearing that parents like you exist. Parents who know about the existence of their own unresolved trauma(s). This is the way I and my ex raise our children, and the judgments and knowing glances between members of the extended family are hard to bear. Alas, my children moved to Illinois with their mother after our divorce. One of the best things that I would remember to do in moments of nearly unbearable frustration with my children was to help them recognize and name their feelings. "Wow, you're really feeling frustrated right now, sweetie." "I can tell that you're feeling homesick right now, aren't you honey." And then to not "banish" them for those feelings. Time outs were for unacceptable behaviors, never for emotions, and almost never happened away from everyone else (like sending them to their room.) While helping them name their feelings wasn't a way to change behaviors (which I desperately longed for), it was a way for me to ground myself, give myself a pause, and try my best to make it be about the children rather than about myself. Commenting in one paragraph about parenting is a bit silly, as you well know, but I just wanted to give you a little cheerleading. Your way is the right way, and it is not at all the easy way. Posted by: casemeau | 09/08/2006 Oops....Ahem....Your way is *a* right way....:-) Posted by: casemeau | 09/08/2006 Hey Casemeau, it's nice to hear some encouragement instead of the usual doubtful tones - and I like what you say about the difference between unacceptable behaviour and emotions - it's a distinction worth remembering in those stressful moments Posted by: Aaron | 09/10/2006 Hi. New to this blog. I'm the mother of two sons. The youngest is nearly four, so I know where you're coming from. When he completely loses his mind over something, he begins shouting, "Ooooh I have anger." At that point I ask him if he likes feeling that way. Usually the answer is "No." "Well, let's take it out then, " I say. I have him open his mouth then I pretend to use a lot of effort (lots of grunting and pulling motions) to take the anger out of his body, then we look at it. "What does it look like? Feel like?" After that I ask him if he's done with the anger. If he says yes, we pretend to throw it away, shouting things at it all the while. If he says no, then I tell him it's ok to carry it around for a while. I know this sounds goofy, but it usually works. Posted by: Loretta | 09/12/2006 Loretta, that sounds great. At the moment our four year old goes totally uncommunicative when she's angry, it's pretty frustrating and about all we can do is wait for her to feel less overwhelmed - while tryingto model calmness and not frustration :-) Posted by: Aaron | 09/12/2006 Applause applause to you for your concientious, intentional parenting! You are correct, what you are going through right now is the appropriate and to-be-expected result of such child-centered and child-honoring parenting. If your children were quieter, more “well behaved” it would show that you had been taking out your own unresolved trauma on them. Man I just love hearing that parents like you exist. Parents who know about the existence of their own unresolved trauma(s). This is the way I and my ex raise our children, and the judgments and knowing glances between members of the extended family are hard to bear. Alas, my children moved to Illinois with their mother after our divorce. One of the best things that I would remember to do in moments of nearly unbearable frustration with my children was to help them recognize and name their feelings. “Wow, you’re really feeling frustrated right now, sweetie.” “I can tell that you’re feeling homesick right now, aren’t you honey.” And then to not “banish” them for those feelings. Time outs were for unacceptable behaviors, never for emotions, and almost never happened away from everyone else (like sending them to their room.) While helping them name their feelings wasn’t a way to change behaviors (which I desperately longed for), it was a way for me to ground myself, give myself a pause, and try my best to make it be about the children rather than about myself. Commenting in one paragraph about parenting is a bit silly, as you well know, but I just wanted to give you a little cheerleading. Your way is the right way, and it is not at all the easy way.

Posted by: casemeau | 09/08/2006

Oops….Ahem….Your way is *a* right way….:-)

Posted by: casemeau | 09/08/2006

Hey Casemeau, it’s nice to hear some encouragement instead of the usual doubtful tones – and I like what you say about the difference between unacceptable behaviour and emotions – it’s a distinction worth remembering in those stressful moments

Posted by: Aaron | 09/10/2006

Hi. New to this blog. I’m the mother of two sons. The youngest is nearly four, so I know where you’re coming from. When he completely loses his mind over something, he begins shouting, “Ooooh I have anger.” At that point I ask him if he likes feeling that way. Usually the answer is “No.” “Well, let’s take it out then, ” I say. I have him open his mouth then I pretend to use a lot of effort (lots of grunting and pulling motions) to take the anger out of his body, then we look at it. “What does it look like? Feel like?” After that I ask him if he’s done with the anger. If he says yes, we pretend to throw it away, shouting things at it all the while. If he says no, then I tell him it’s ok to carry it around for a while. I know this sounds goofy, but it usually works.

Posted by: Loretta | 09/12/2006

Loretta, that sounds great. At the moment our four year old goes totally uncommunicative when she’s angry, it’s pretty frustrating and about all we can do is wait for her to feel less overwhelmed – while tryingto model calmness and not frustration :-)

Posted by: Aaron | 09/12/2006

]]>